Want to get a bikini body this summer? We’ve hidden one. Somewhere.
For bright eyes, evolve a simple photoreceptor cell. Then add lenses, corneas, and vitreous humor. Voila!
Makeup tip: you can paint another face over your face. Which is the real you?
This summer’s color is robin’s-egg blue. Sky blue will not be tolerated. Inform the populace.
Forget the beauty aisle. Forget the concept of beauty. Forget the faces of your loved ones. This is a sweet oblivion.
The current scraps of fabric with which you cover your nakedness are inadequate. You must acquire new ones immediately.
I was looking for love in all the wrong places: dive bars, fetid caves, the hollow rib cage of some ancient beast, now just weathered bones protruding from this lonesome hill.
Think you’re not bold enough to pull off this summer’s coral shades? You can do it. You’ll show them. You’ll show them all.
Ever wondered why men do that? Ever wondered why we are merely vessels of bone and viscera, and yet each one of us contains multitudes?
But the cleanse changed everything. On day five, my skin had a fresh glow. On day six, I awoke to a world I no longer recognize. Everything is as I remember it, and yet, the man who sleeps beside me is a stranger. The little girl who calls me “mother” is not my child any more. I see a woman in the mirror, a woman who has partaken of nothing but kale smoothies for six days. I am free of toxins. I am pure. I am cleansed of this weakness called Love.
Want to hit the “reset” button on your metabolism? So do we. And we’ll do it tomorrow, unless you leave the ransom in a a briefcase under the bridge. No cops.
De-frizz your hair with this multipurpose brush. Tease your locks into a gorgeous updo with this multipurpose brush. Clutch this multipurpose brush to your breast as you fall asleep at night, no longer alone.
Be just like the stars. Be a super-heated ball of luminous plasma held together by your own gravity. Emit radiation. Die alone in the void. Leave the world a little darker, a little colder, with your passing. There will come a time when the whole universe goes dark. There will come a time when there will be no time.
I am a fan of this.
Ha! This is great. Makes me think of what a women’s magazine out of Night Vale would be like.