My diagnosis

Pie chart internet

As an armchair psychologist, I can say with absolute confidence that the subject of this news story is a classic narcissist, with a hint of borderline personality disorder and a sprinkle of ADHD.

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Speaking as a person who neither knows you nor is a specialist in the subject you inquired about, I’m 100% certain that your problem could be fixed if you changed your oil 1,000 miles earlier.

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As a certified stranger on the internet, I’m sorry to inform you that definitely have cancer. It’s pretty bad, all the cancer you have in you. As everyone knows, there’s no possible treatment for cancer. Just my two cents.

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Oh, you should definitely break up with him. What was the question?

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I’m not a lawyer, but the Constitution of the United States can be ignored without penalty if you are 1) A farmer, 2) Really bad at spelling, or 3) Personally inconvenienced by taxes.

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As someone who is neither a rabbi nor an active attendant of a Temple, I’m absolutely certain that people with non-Jewish mothers can’t be Jews. Sorry if you’re offended that I’m right, goy.

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He’s definitely the murderer. You can tell because he looks so sketchy in his mugshot.

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Everyone who has a sexual fantasy that I personally do not share is wrong, and should feel bad about it. Next question.

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********** M4KE $$$$$ WORKING FROM HOME WITH UR B!G D1CK *******

Tips from my new self-help book, How To Win Every Conversation

Convo

First off, remember that all conversations are a competition. Do not fall into the trap of exchanging viewpoints in a pleasant manner with someone you respect. If you’re going to converse, converse to win.

If someone has a sad story, riposte with an even sadder story. Is your conversational opponent sad about a sick pet? Well, you have ten sick pets, and they are all teetering on the brink of death, but you managed to tear yourself away from poor flatlining Fido to attend this party. Dead relative? That’s amateur hour, all your relatives died in a tragic murder accident and you have devoted your life to revenge. Is your conversation nemesis currently bleeding? Then you’re leaking brain fluid.

Conversely, if anything good has happened to your foe, the universe must have bestowed even greater wealth upon you. Did their sister just have a baby? Then your sister had five babies, and three of them have already been accepted early admission to Stanford.

Do not make small talk. Inform anyone who alludes to the concept of weather that you do not make small talk, because you are focused on the Real Issues.

Watch for your opponent’s weak points, and pounce when they are at their most vulnerable. Are they currently unemployed? Wait until they have a few drinks in them to begin an interrogation about the exact specifics of their job search, followed by a lecture on everything they are doing wrong.

You need to know every person at this party’s opinion on Israel, and you need it right now.

Is your adversary backing away from the conversation under the pretense that they need a drink, or the bathroom, or some other human weakness? Give them no quarter. Do not let them run from the fight. Pursue them if necessary.

Do not, under any circumstances, allow your competitor to chime in with an observation from their own personal experience or, worse, an anecdote. You’re in charge of this conversation. Defend your territory with vigor.

If you aren’t being invited to parties anymore, it means that you have won. No one dares to take you on in conversation. Celebrate your victory by posting something inflammatory on Facebook.

What is dead may never die

Jaqen_Hghar_Tom_W

What do we say to the God of Death? See ya later.

Hey Game of Thrones viewers, how are you doing this morning? Do you need a hug? A quest for bloody vengeance? Maybe some fan theories about how all your favorite characters are still alive?

It’s been four years since A Dance With Dragons came out. Fans have been using that time to speculate wildly on how their favorite characters survived. Come, join us book readers in clinging to our slender threads of hope.

Jon Snow

Jon also ends up stabbed by his sworn brothers at the end of A Dance With Dragons, in a scene that plays out pretty much exactly the same in the book. While he’s certainly dead now, there’s no guarantee that he’ll stay dead.

  1. Jon could be resurrected by Melisandre as an incarnation of Azor Ahai
  2. Jon could end up leading the white walkers as the Night’s King
  3. It’s pretty weird, narratively speaking, to kill Jon off before anyone has confirmed or denied the infamous fan theory L + R = J
  4. Jon could be released from his vows to the Night’s Watch on a technicality
  5. Ghost is still alive, so he could just warg out of this situation
  6. The scene directly preceding his death reminds us that people don’t always stay dead in this part of the world

Likelihood that he’s dead: High

Likelihood that he’s going to stay dead: Low

Sansa Stark and Theon Greyjoy

Sansa’s story in this season has been combined with her friend Jeyne Poole. In the books, Jeyne is sent off to marry Ramsay Bolton, while pretending to be Arya Stark (long story). She befriends Theon, and the two jump off the wall together.

  1. In the books, Jeyne and Theon survive the jump by landing in a snowdrift. They end up tagging along with Stannis’s army.
  2. In the books, Sansa is still at the Eyrie, preparing to marry one of Robert Baratheon’s bastards. It looks like she still has a big part to play in the story.
  3. Theon survives in the books–but most of the Greyjoys’ relevant parts have been cut in the show

Likelihood that Sansa’s dead: Low

Likelihood that Theon’s dead: Medium

Likelihood that Sansa’s going to stay dead: Practically nonexistant

Likelihood that Theon’s going to stay dead: Low to Medium

Myrcella Baratheon (Lannister)

In the books, Myrcella is injured but alive. However, the “Gold will be their crowns and gold their shrouds” line from the beginning of this season is straight out of the books, so the likelihood that she’ll still be around by the end of the story is low.

Likelihood that Myrcella’s dead: 100% certainty

Likelihood that Myrcella’s going to stay dead: High, although the Qyburn plotline could take a weird turn

Gregory Clegane, The Mountain

It’s no secret that Sir Robert Strong is the Mountain, resurrected by Qyburn’s evil alchemy.

Likelihood that Gregor’s dead: We pretty much saw him die

Likelihood that Gregor’s going to stay dead: He’s still walking around

Sandor Clegane, The Hound

We last saw Sandor grievously injured. In the book A Storm of Swords and the show, Arya walks away from him rather than giving him a merciful death. However, in the books, Brienne is playing detective (long story) and ends up in an island monastery run by priests of the seven. She notices that Sandor’s distinctive horse is there, and an evasive monk drops a series of hints about how “the Hound” has died while refusing to say outright that Sandor is dead. Brienne sees a hooded gravedigger who just so happens to be the same size as Sandor with the same distinctive injuries, but gets distracted by a passing dog. Get it???

  1. It’s almost too obvious
  2. It would set up my personal favorite fan theory, Cleganebowl, which would tie into the Sparrows plotline

Likelihood that Sandor’s dead: Low

Likelihood that the Hound is dead: High

Likelihood that Sandor’s going to stay dead: Low

Shireen Baratheon

In the books, Shireen is still alive and hanging out at Castle Black. However, the producers have hinted that they got this particular twist from Martin.

Likelihood that Shireen is dead: Pretty much certain

Likelihood that Shireen is going to stay dead: High

Four facts about Millennials that will blow your mind

When the first organism crawled out of the ocean and filled its gasping lungs for the first time with clean, fresh air, it knew that Millennials would never appreciate everything it went through to give them legs.

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If you say the words “post-recession job market” three times while gazing into a mirror, an internet commenter will appear to inform you that in the days of his callow youth, trophies hadn’t even been invented yet.

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“What do only nineties kids remember?” the novice asked the monk. The monk replied, “If you call yourself a nineties kid, you deny the totality of your experience. If you do not call yourself a nineties kid, then you claim that you are ignorant of the facts of your own life. Consider a leaf on the autumn breeze. At what point was it not a tree?”

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In the northern forest, in the land where it is always winter, there is a single pale white tree. In the highest branches of that tree there is a hawk’s nest, and the bird that makes its home there is feathered in purest gold. Each year, the hawk flies from one end of the forest to another, and in the furthest reaches of the wood it drops a single golden feather. The first Millennial to find that feather and Instagram it with the hashtags #hiking #natural #blessed will be the one who saves us from the Darkness.