The time machine is invented. The proletariat work for 682 hours per day, while the upper classes enjoy vacations to the unspoiled beaches of Earth in the Cretaceous period. A venture capitalist accidentally steps on a butterfly in the distant past, and returns to find that all his friends and family members have become socialists. * The…
As an armchair psychologist, I can say with absolute confidence that the subject of this news story is a classic narcissist, with a hint of borderline personality disorder and a sprinkle of ADHD. * Speaking as a person who neither knows you nor is a specialist in the subject you inquired about, I’m 100% certain that your…
First off, remember that all conversations are a competition. Do not fall into the trap of exchanging viewpoints in a pleasant manner with someone you respect. If you’re going to converse, converse to win. If someone has a sad story, riposte with an even sadder story. Is your conversational opponent sad about a sick pet? Well,…
When the first organism crawled out of the ocean and filled its gasping lungs for the first time with clean, fresh air, it knew that Millennials would never appreciate everything it went through to give them legs. * If you say the words “post-recession job market” three times while gazing into a mirror, an internet…
It has come to my attention that design experts are advising job seekers not to use Times New Roman on their resumes. This is blatant propaganda from Big Helvetica. Times New Roman is the font for all of us. It is the font that should unite us, not divide us. Times New Roman is the font equivalent of…
Jack wrote a truly beautiful piece of fanfiction about John Spaceman, the most heterosexual man in the galaxy. This is the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen with my cybernetic space-eyeballs, and I’ve seen a lot of alien titties with these here eyeballs.
John Spaceman stared at the alien’s green breasts. He could use his eyeballs to look at whatever he wanted; this was space, where men could do as they pleased. He stared at her titties something fierce. She was not an allegory for The Other or anything like that, just your basic sexy-lady-but-green-type alien. “Farewell, John Spaceman,…
There’s a new app in town, and it’s cleaning up your filthy ebooks by inserting new, inoffensive words in the place of the author’s dirty potty mouth. Authors are righteously fucking furious; just look at what all these classic scenes would look like without the language that made them goddamn brilliant: “Gosh darn,” said Conte, totally…
When the first organism dragged itself out of the ocean and took its first breath of clean, fresh air, it realized that Millennials would never appreciate everything it had suffered to bring them legs. * The novice asked the monk, “What is it that only nineties kids remember?” And the monk replied, “If you call yourself a nineties kid,…
(Image source) Ladies! Is your clock ticking? Do you have separate Pinterest boards for your wedding cake, bachelorette party cake, wedding shower cake, reception cake, rehearsal dinner cake, and post-honeymoon cake? Is the wedding dress that you wear daily beginning to look a little threadbare? Are you considering taking in a winsome orphan just to teach her that…