If 50 Shades of Grey were actually written by a Seattleite

Mr. Grey’s profile picture on OKCupid was a shot of himself standing in front of a huge window. Ana laughed at the terrible photoshop job; he had crudely pasted a shot of Seattle’s skyline behind him, not realizing that the view point was actually somewhere in the middle of Puget Sound.

While Ana was waiting for her meeting with Christian Grey to begin, she idly flipped through a copy of The Stranger. Dan Savage was writing about kink problems again. Why couldn’t the people who wrote to him ever just talk to each other?

*

Ana walked downtown to meet her lover. She passed approximately 50 telephone poles covered in posters for burlesque shows and kink nights at The Cuff.

*

Ana walked past Babeland. “I know I should support a local feminist-run sex toy store,” she told her friend, “but I can get the same products cheaper on Amazon.”

“Let’s go in,” said her friend. “I want to see which strap-on harness fits me best.”

*

Ana went to the gay pride parade with her friends. It was one of those rare, hot June days, and she had forgotten to bring sunscreen. So had some of the men on floats; the shirtless boys would have leather harness-shaped tan lines for weeks.

*

“You’re never going to believe this,” Ana told her friend. “I showed up to the restaurant, and this guy was wearing a suit. With a tie and everything. And he kept interrupting to take ‘important business calls.'”

“Oh my god, what a douchebag,” said her friend.

“And he kept insisting on paying for dinner. I hate it when guys do that, it’s like they think if they pay then a woman’s obligated to put out.”

“Tell me about it,” said her friend. “Do you think you’ll see him again?”

“I don’t know. Maybe. He’s pretty cute.”

*

Ana showed all her friends the pushy text messages that Christian had sent her. “Can you believe it?” she asked them. “This guy says he’s a dominant.”

*

Ana bought some high-quality hemp bondage rope from a local artisan. She couldn’t wait to use it on her new boy toy.