Memos from Torchwood’s HR Department

House of Scandal
Ye Olde Slashe Shippes: Lanval

Hiring will now involve job ads, interviews, and background checks. “Some sexy babe just wandered by” is no longer a valid reason for hiring.

The company car for our top secret organization will no longer have “Torchwood” etched on it in huge letters. We’re trying to stay discrete, people.

Even old ladies know who we are.

On that note, we’re looking into better office spaces. This giant monument in the middle of a heavily trafficked area doesn’t really send the message we want any more.

Also on that note, let’s at least think up a code name if we’re going to order pizza. Come on, everyone.

The area where we dissect aliens will no longer be right next to the area where we eat pizza.

That’s just unsanitary.

Employees must watch some American cop shows and take note of how actual cops hold their guns.

Our stores of mind-wiping drugs will now be monitored and counted regularly. Employees must have a valid reason for taken Retcon out of the office. “I wanted to confess everything to my boyfriend and then make him forget it” is not a valid reason.

Time spent buried in a grave in the past will no longer count towards PTO. We are considering this unpaid sick leave.

Visits to the doctor will be paid for out of your sick leave bucket. Visits with The Doctor are now considered vacation.

Managers should not teleport their employees’ significant others into the sun.

Managers should not feed their employees’ significant others to pterodactyls.

Managers should not encourage their employees’ significant others to fly into rips in time and space.

Managers should not erase their employees’ significant others from existence.

Managers should not send their employees’ significant others back in time to die in World War II.

Managers should not go back in time to World War II just to make out with sexy babes.

Managers should not go back in time to World War II to steal things.

Let’s just stay away from World War II, why don’t we.

Managers should not have sex with their employees after hours in a glass-walled office.

You know what? Just keep your damn love triangles out of the office.

Yes, Jack, I am aware that a threesome can technically be a love triangle.

Employees should not kiss their managers’ corpses.

Managers should not try to raise employees from the dead.

Employees should not take home world-threatening alien artifacts.

Not even alien pheromones.

Especially not alien pheromones.

Jack, you’re fired.

Owen, you’re double fired.

You’re all fired.

Get out of my office.
House of Scandal
Ye Olde Slashe Shippes: Lanval

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *