Selections from my rejected Downton Abbey script

Bitches be crazy
Torchwood flowchart

violet

COUSIN ISOBEL

Well I think the flower arrangements are entirely adequate.

COUSIN VIOLET

Oh no you don’t, bitch.

Cousin Violet pulls out the elegant knife with the mother-of-pearl handle gifted to her by the Duke of Flimmington. Cousin Isobel counters with the silver letter opener that Edith stole from the Count of Courbray. There is a struggle. Cousin Cora gasps. Lady Mary looks bored. Edith begins to weep softly. At last, Violet emerges victorious, having ruined Isobel’s mauve dress with an unfashionable bloodstain.

Lord Grantham: I say, this is almost as exciting as the time my dear cousin Teddy was almost murdered at Eaton for making an unfortunate reference to the headmaster’s cravat.

edith

LADY EDITH

Well, I have opinions on that subject.

LADY CORA

Mr. Carson, would you be a dear and bring out the bag?

Mr. Carson takes out the traditional a burlap sack and puts it over Lady Edith’s head. Lady Mary sighs with evident relief.

LADY MARY

Good lord, I thought that old hag would never shut up.

DAS1E3_LadyMary_EvelynNapier

EXT, WOODS – EARLY AFTERNOON

Lady Mary and a suitor are riding on her vast estate. Lady Mary has forgotten the suitor’s name, since she has so many to keep track of and they all look the same, but she is too polite to say so.

SUITOR

Mary, will you do me the honor of becoming my wife?

Mary looks haughty. Edith stumbles out of a bush. The sack is still on her head. She is also wearing a very frumpy sweater.

MARY

Oh, do be civilized, Edith.

downton-abbey-2_2094790b

INT, KITCHEN – LATE AFTERNOON

Thomas is scheming. Mr. Bates sits in the corner, glowering and aggressively polishing a shoe. Mrs. Patmore is weeping over a fallen souffle while Daisy cowers.

THOMAS

I am just scheming super hard right now.

BAXTER

Whatever could Thomas be scheming about? Perhaps it has something to do with my mysterious past.

Mr. Carson enters, distraught. His normally pristine shirt is spattered with blood.

Mr. CARSON

The salad forks were placed to the right of the oyster forks! This dinner party is a disaster!

THOMAS

At last, my evil plan has come to fruition.

MR. MOLSELY

You monster!

Bitches be crazy
Torchwood flowchart

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