The best inadvertently sexy lines from that Evangelical Harry Potter rewrite

Portland trip: the zoo
Books, ads, and cold hard cash

Have you read Hogwarts School of Prayer and Miracles yet? It’s supposedly a rewrite of Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone, made safe for Evangelical Christians. Every moment of it is so perfectly, deliciously insane that readers are already insisting it must be a prank. But I want to believe.  

Harry Potter

On the porch was standing a huge, muscular man with a big, manly beard; and he was dressed in a plaid, red shirt, blue jeans, and sturdy, leather boots. His chest was covered in a thick, unruly carpet of coarse, brown hair.

And we all know that it would be a dreadful, terrible sin to bring another man’s wife into intimacy.

“We don’t believe in the stuff against fornication and drinking and socialism”

Now, at the beginning of the breakfast meal, Harry had noticed, a tall, mysterious-looking man with long dark hair and gaunt, enigmatic features. He was dressed stylishly in a crisp, black suit; and his tie made a shock of red in the otherwise totally black outfit. The dark hair on his pale chest was neatly trimmed but still noticeably thick; and he wore elegant, black leather shoes on both of his feet.

“Welcome to Hogwarts School of Prayer and Miracles,” greeted the older but still handsome in a dignified, rugged way amicably.

“Well,” Mr. Snape said; and he drew his tall, strapping form up to its full, impressive height.

Harry was nervous; but he clenched his fist determinedly.

Portland trip: the zoo
Books, ads, and cold hard cash

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